I'm writing this, as it's probably the most important day in my life. It's three years since things finally started going right.
Three years ago yesterday was also the day I thought would be my last. I'd had enough, and wrote this after seeing my CPN
"Obviously the NHS thinks I've had the same professional for long enough now. Kimberley is leaving next week, so I met her replacement today. I was told she was the replacement after ten minutes of wondering who she was, and then they left five minutes later. She asked if I was OK with this - what would have happened if I'd said no? As it was, I'm actually relieved. Apart from the paranoia that she doesn't like me and that's why she doesn't want to work with me any more, I'm actually happy about it.
Are CPNs trained to never say 'well done'? Or for that matter, actually do anything? Bearing in mind she's been my CPN for 4 weeks now, these are the answers I got to the things I told her (as well as I can remember)
1. I've been thinking about my long term future for the first time in months, and I think I might want to be an art therapist - "ok"
2. If I want to be an art therapist, I might need help with funding, is that possible? - "I'm not sure, it's something you'll need to look into"
3. remember last time you were here 2 weeks ago we talked about me having art therapy? well, I'd still like to have art therapy - "oh yes, I haven't looked into that yet"
4. The GP and I are still wondering why I can't have CBT any more - "I haven't had any luck getting through to them yet"
5. My meds have been doubled, and I've been given prolonged release instead of the normal sort. the psychiatrist mentioned this. Can I still take them? - "you need to ask the pharmacist"
6. My GP and I discussed self help books seeing as I'm waiting so long for the next CBT appointment, so I've bought one but I haven't done anything with it yet cause I've been so tired - "ok"
She also let slip that the new referral for CBT HASN'T BEEN SENT YET - I know this, and am not being paranoid because she said that there were other options for the referral as well as CBT (so obviously it isn't sent yet) and mentioned another sort of therapy called DBT. I asked what this was, and she told me I should Google it.
I told her what I'd been doing for the last 2 weeks, and what I have planned for the next month, and she turned to the new CPN and said 'And this is the girl who says she has nothing to do!' in a comical fashion. NO - YOU HAVE ME CONFUSED - I AM THE GIRL WHO HAS TO LEARN HOW TO PACE HERSELF AS SHE CAN'T RELAX AND CAN ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO DO.
What a pointless waste of everyone's time. At least I'm not crying. it's got to be a good sign surely?"
That night, I did cry. And cry. And cry some more. I got so upset, my friend Claudia invited me to her workplace for lunch the next day. Afterwards I wrote this
"I finally visited Claudia at work, and for some reason I hadn't really cottoned on where she worked. I knew it was a library of some kind, at a college of some kind
She works at the Batley School of Art and Design
I walked in, and it's where I belong. I've never felt so at home anywhere new in years
People smile at you and don't comment on your crap stripy socks
AND Claudia is there being friendly and asking if I've found anything good, and telling me about the kaiser Chiefs gig she went to last night
And there's a totally reasonable coffee shop
The surroundings and building are beautiful
and people sit in rooms PAINTING and listening to music
most importantly
THERE IS A ROOM FULL OF BOOKS ABOUT ART
and you can take them home with you if you have a magic card
I want to study there SO BADLY
Claudia rang the head of the foundation course, and it sounds like they'd be happy to have me if they like my portfolio
Sorry? What? What I have at the minute are about 30 box canvases, all in plastic sleeves with prices on them for a craft fair, and about 30 small canvas boards mounted and in plastic sleeves as well. I've emailed him asking what a portfolio is, which might not do my application any good, but which at least is honest.
He replied and told me not to worry, and just take whatever i could with me to the open day on 17th march :D i think i'll probably do it part time, which is 4 years, i'm not sure it's the same as that one year foundation thing, and me being mature will probably give me some leeway - he knows i know claudia as well, so you never know a bit of nepotism might help (Claudia told him how enthusiastic I am and how much she likes me paintings)"
Things can change so quickly - never give up, never lose hope.
Three years ago yesterday was also the day I thought would be my last. I'd had enough, and wrote this after seeing my CPN
"Obviously the NHS thinks I've had the same professional for long enough now. Kimberley is leaving next week, so I met her replacement today. I was told she was the replacement after ten minutes of wondering who she was, and then they left five minutes later. She asked if I was OK with this - what would have happened if I'd said no? As it was, I'm actually relieved. Apart from the paranoia that she doesn't like me and that's why she doesn't want to work with me any more, I'm actually happy about it.
Are CPNs trained to never say 'well done'? Or for that matter, actually do anything? Bearing in mind she's been my CPN for 4 weeks now, these are the answers I got to the things I told her (as well as I can remember)
1. I've been thinking about my long term future for the first time in months, and I think I might want to be an art therapist - "ok"
2. If I want to be an art therapist, I might need help with funding, is that possible? - "I'm not sure, it's something you'll need to look into"
3. remember last time you were here 2 weeks ago we talked about me having art therapy? well, I'd still like to have art therapy - "oh yes, I haven't looked into that yet"
4. The GP and I are still wondering why I can't have CBT any more - "I haven't had any luck getting through to them yet"
5. My meds have been doubled, and I've been given prolonged release instead of the normal sort. the psychiatrist mentioned this. Can I still take them? - "you need to ask the pharmacist"
6. My GP and I discussed self help books seeing as I'm waiting so long for the next CBT appointment, so I've bought one but I haven't done anything with it yet cause I've been so tired - "ok"
She also let slip that the new referral for CBT HASN'T BEEN SENT YET - I know this, and am not being paranoid because she said that there were other options for the referral as well as CBT (so obviously it isn't sent yet) and mentioned another sort of therapy called DBT. I asked what this was, and she told me I should Google it.
I told her what I'd been doing for the last 2 weeks, and what I have planned for the next month, and she turned to the new CPN and said 'And this is the girl who says she has nothing to do!' in a comical fashion. NO - YOU HAVE ME CONFUSED - I AM THE GIRL WHO HAS TO LEARN HOW TO PACE HERSELF AS SHE CAN'T RELAX AND CAN ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO DO.
What a pointless waste of everyone's time. At least I'm not crying. it's got to be a good sign surely?"
That night, I did cry. And cry. And cry some more. I got so upset, my friend Claudia invited me to her workplace for lunch the next day. Afterwards I wrote this
"I finally visited Claudia at work, and for some reason I hadn't really cottoned on where she worked. I knew it was a library of some kind, at a college of some kind
She works at the Batley School of Art and Design
I walked in, and it's where I belong. I've never felt so at home anywhere new in years
People smile at you and don't comment on your crap stripy socks
AND Claudia is there being friendly and asking if I've found anything good, and telling me about the kaiser Chiefs gig she went to last night
And there's a totally reasonable coffee shop
The surroundings and building are beautiful
and people sit in rooms PAINTING and listening to music
most importantly
THERE IS A ROOM FULL OF BOOKS ABOUT ART
and you can take them home with you if you have a magic card
I want to study there SO BADLY
Claudia rang the head of the foundation course, and it sounds like they'd be happy to have me if they like my portfolio
Sorry? What? What I have at the minute are about 30 box canvases, all in plastic sleeves with prices on them for a craft fair, and about 30 small canvas boards mounted and in plastic sleeves as well. I've emailed him asking what a portfolio is, which might not do my application any good, but which at least is honest.
He replied and told me not to worry, and just take whatever i could with me to the open day on 17th march :D i think i'll probably do it part time, which is 4 years, i'm not sure it's the same as that one year foundation thing, and me being mature will probably give me some leeway - he knows i know claudia as well, so you never know a bit of nepotism might help (Claudia told him how enthusiastic I am and how much she likes me paintings)"
Things can change so quickly - never give up, never lose hope.
