I'm blogging twice today, mainly because I have a spare five minutes, and also because I feel I have something to blog about. Today after talking to people at work, I realised how far I've come. They didn't believe there was ever a time I didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone. Believe me, there was. Without the shop, I'm not sure self-employment would have ever got off the ground, because I wouldn't have had any confidence in myself or any of my abilities.
To illustrate how much I've changed, here's a blogpost I wrote in October 2008. It made me cry reading it again, because I can't believe that's me.
"I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 5AM AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN THINKING
"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SPALDING ON THURSDAY, MY DAD DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL GREAT ABOUT MYSELF, STILL AT LEAST WE'RE STAYING IN A HOTEL, IF I CAN JUST MAKE IT TO SATURDAY. OH THEN ON SUNDAY WE'RE HAVING SUNDAY LUNCH WITH PETE, AND SIMON AND JO WILL BE THERE WITH GRACE, SO IF I CAN JUST MAKE IT TO SUNDAY NIGHT......."
"SUNDAY IS MUM'S BIRTHDAY. IF I CAN MAKE IT TO MONDAY I'LL BE OK. THEN NEXT WEEK I'M NOT LOOKING AFTER IAN, I CAN DO WHAT I LIKE, AND I'M GOING TO VISIT KATIE. THEN IF I CAN MAKE IT PAST THE WEEKEND I'LL BE OK. SATURDAY IS STEVE COOGAN. WHERE IS IT AGAIN? WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PARK? THEN SUNDAY IT'S A MEAL WITH PREGNANT FRIEND, I CAN MAKE IT PAST THAT"
MORE ARM SCRATCHING
"THEN AFTER THAT IT'S MONDAY AND I'M BACK AT WORK. WHAT IF I CAN'T GO BACK TO WORK? WHAT IF I HAVE TO STOP WORK? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF I DON'T HAVE A JOB? I'VE GOT MY LOAN TO PAY. I NEED TO WORK. IF I CAN'T WORK IAN WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT ME. I DON'T DESERVE TO BE ALIVE"
GET UP AND GO TO BATHROOM, HAVE A DIG AROUND IN BATHROOM DRAWER, GO BACK TO BED
REMEMBER PACT I HAVE WITH BETTIE. GET OUT OF BED, MAKE BREAKFAST, GO BACK TO BED
"REMEMBER THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT LIFE. IT'S CHRISTMAS SOON, AND WE'RE GOING TO ELLIOT'S. LAST TIME WE WENT TO ELLIOT'S I BROKE THAT PLATE THAT NICOLA'S GOD DAUGHTER MADE HER. NOW DON'T START THAT, SHE SAID IT WAS FINE. WELL YES BUT YOU WOULD SAY IT WAS FINE IF SOMETHING GOT BROKEN OF YOURS, BUT YOU'D STILL BE UPSET INSIDE. YOU MADE HER FEEL LIKE THAT YOU'RE A BAD PERSON. YOU'RE ALWAYS BREAKING THINGS. REMEMBER WHEN YOU BROKE SARAH'S TAP? THEY HAD TO PAY £100 TO GET THAT FIXED AND WOULDN'T ACCEPT ANY MONEY AND NOW HE'S LOST HIS JOB. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP THAT ISN'T BECAUSE OF THAT £100 AND THAT WAS 5 YEARS AGO. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HER FOR AGES THOUGH, YOU'RE A TERRIBLE FRIEND, SHE MIGHT NEED YOU, SHE'S OFTEN DEPRESSED IN DECEMBER, AND WHERE ARE YOU? HIDING AT HOME, SKIVING FROM WORK. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE IN AGES, YOU NEED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE AND GET BACK TO NORMAL."
FORCE MYSELF TO GET UP AND HAVE A SHOWER. SHAVE MY ARMS, CATCH A NAIL ON THE RAZOR, PULL FINGERNAIL OFF.
"IT'S FIONA'S BIRTHDAY TODAY. YOU CAN'T FEEL LIKE THIS TODAY. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU ALL THE BLOODY TIME. IT'S SARAH'S BIRTHDAY SOON AS WELL, DON'T FORGET. YOU PROBABLY WILL, SHE REMEMBERED YOURS.I HOPE FIONA LIKES HER PRESENT. WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T? WHAT IF IT DOESN'T ARRIVE? IT'S A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY AND SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH MY PARANOIA TODAY. I WON'T BUG HER ABOUT IF IT'S ARRIVED. WELL, MAYBE ONCE."
GO AND GET 'HOT FUZZ' AND TURN COMPUTER ON - BLANKS OUT THE SOUND OF MY BRAIN, AS BRAIN THINKING ABOUT THE RECIPE BOOK I'M WRITING
IAN CALLS THROUGH AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR. BRAIN STARTS GOING AGAIN. THS TIME I SAY IT OUT LOUD TO IAN, AND EVENTUALLY START CRYING WHEN I GET TO THE BIT ABOUT HOW I'D BE BETTER OFF DEAD.
MAKE BREAKFAST FOR IAN. WHILE KETTLE BOILS EAT PACKET OF BISCUITS.
AFTER BREAKFAST WATCH 'HOT FUZZ' AGAIN WITH IAN AS I DIDN'T REALLY PAY ATTENTION EARLIER AND IAN WANTS TO WATCH IT AGAIN. "
On a plus note, I'm definitely having my hair cut like this again.