Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Our bedroom wall

For anyone unaware of my marital situation, I'm very happily married to Ian aka Ibbs. He's quadriplegic, which means he can't move anything below his neck, and has been since before I met him.

I moved in with him in 1999, and his gift to me was knocking a hole through between our bedrooms, and putting in a folding door for when either of us wanted privacy. Whenever we went on holiday, my favourite thing was sharing a bed, just for the closeness.

We finally decided to knock down the whole wall last year, and got our acts together to get a builder booked and a holiday booked so we didn't have to mess around with putting him into bed in a mess.

What's surprised me is the reaction to my joy. I've had people saying its 'too much information' and that they don't want to know about my sex life. You may note that not once in this post have I said anything about sex.

You see, people with double beds who've shared it for years take it for granted. Last night was the first time I've slept next to Ian in our own house, ever. We've shared a bed on holiday, but even me saying this is too much for some people.

Think about it. After 10 years of marriage, do you have sex every night? Or do you just enjoy having a cuddle and then going to sleep? For the last 13 years, I've kissed Ian goodnight, and gone to my own bed in the next room. Last night I fell asleep in his arms.

It got me thinking about how people generally see Ian and I. A friend told me the other week that her boyfriend isn't in the mood for sex, and I suggested it wasn't anything to do with her being unattractive, which I guarantee it isn't, and she told me that even though sex isn't important to me, it is to other couples.

So it seems like I can't win. If I don't talk about sex, people assume we don't have it. If I talk about sharing space with Ian it's too much information.

I guarantee we are exactly the same as every couple married for ten years. We have sex, not as often as we did when we first met. We bicker, we laugh, we get sick of each other, we kiss, we hold hands, we talk.

Sex isn't the most important thing in our lives. Just like I guarantee it isn't in any long term relationship. It always reminds me of a line in one of my favourite films 'Whats Up Doc?'

Eunice: I'm not looking for romance, Howard.
Howard: Oh?
Eunice: No, I'm looking for something more important than that, something stronger. As the years go by, romance fades and something else takes its place. Do you know what that is?
Howard: Senility?
Eunice: Trust!
Howard: That's what I meant.

So last night as Ian and I held each other, and giggled as we listened to a Ricky Gervais podcast, we both agreed that this was bliss.. Especially when the cat jumped up and settled down in between us.


  1. People need to grow up. I for one loved the pictures, following the hotel, and the wall,and the unpainted stripe showing what was, and what is now

    I never asked about Ians condition, the hows/whens/etc as Ive only recently got to know you. You sounds nothing like the married couples I know. You sound like you actually enjoy marriage ;) Everyone else are just bitter twisted and take everything for granted. Being able to savour the smallest things in life, the simplest things, such as actually being able to hold the one you love, must be like wonderful.

    Go and be rude if you want. Hell, tweet a dirty smirk whenever you like! I think its great xx

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